Topopa

I love my life but I'm feeling lonely

a picture of a grasshopper
Nice backpack!

Yesterday we saw an ad for a free spot in a shared living community. It was a spot for a tiny house in a big land shared with 10 other families. We applied right away but unfortunately they already had found someone. I lived in a tiny house village once in the past and I miss it deeply. I loved being able to connect with my neighbors at the shared kitchen. This lost opportunity made my heart sink. I'm unemployed and somehow disabled at the moment, I'm feeling a bit lonely. I would have loved to move to a place where people are intentional about spending time together.

Moreover, now that I'm pregnant, I'd love to build some community around this child. Usually, when I'm feeling lonely, I engage in some heavy-work volunteering, such as animal shelters and field rehabilitation. Once again, I'm pregnant, I don't want to strain my (our) body, I think I'll pass this year.

The thing is, I carefully crafted the life of mine. Even if I didn't choose my disabilities, I chose to quit my last job because it was not fulfilling anymore; I chose to spend my day and nights doing entomology; I chose to move to the countryside when most of my friends stays in town. And I love this life. Today, I spent my morning waist-deep in a reed bed, looking for new insects. This was a super cool activity, but, again, lonely. I'd love to have someone who went on the field in silence with me. I think this person does not exist. Or it is a dog, idk. Anyway, maybe fatherhood will give me great opportunities to interact with strangers. I can't wait to meet this kid. I've known I'm pregnant for a week, maybe and it has already made a giant hole in my heart. It's anxiety, enthusiasm, joy, fear. I can't wait to show you the world, tiny, tiny baby.

As for the current feeling of loneliness, I tried to beat it with blogging, texting my friends, engaging in some of my online communities and making plans for the future. I know my actual status of unemployment won't last forever, I'll try to cherish the time I have. I also know this feeling is deeply intertwined with the experience of being queer, disabled and from a rural area. For now, I read a lot of other blog posts about loneliness, and these are the one that helped me the most.

Hey. I love getting mail!