Waking up from anxiety-induced paralysis (again): a post about absurdity
After several years as an artist, I engaged in an apprenticeship to become a lab tech. It was hard getting back to school, especially as an adult 10 years older than my peers. The course itself was disorganized and lacked essential equipment. Nonetheless, I stayed for a year because I enjoyed the professional experience associated with it. I loved the job, the team, the patients... After a year, at mid-journey, HR transferred me to a further, more chaotic, understaffed place. They said they were very pleased of my work, that's why they transferred me to the worst department (to fix it). Sounds like cognitive dissonance. I had to stay another year at this new place to get my degree. Sadly, these new working conditions weren't good for me anymore. My average week would have been shared between chaotic workplace and toxic schooling. Repeat 52 times, you get a degree. Thus, I resigned.
That was 7 month ago. I left my apartment, resigned school, resigned work, returned my badge and got back home in the countryside.I failed at what was supposed to be my big career change. This is where the story begins. I tried everything to get back on my feet, but my attempts kept failing. I tried to get any job, but I kept being rejected because of my disability. I tried to finish my degree, I called every school in a 100 mile radius but nobody would accept my half-eaten schooling. I was stranded at home. At a certain point, I lost hope of getting back to work. I couldn't make another phone call. I I got afraid of going to social events, what if I get asked what do I do for a living ? What could I tell people ? All of it was too much. I was so close to getting my degree. I used to love my job so much ! I was really good at it. Why would HR take all of my advantages away if I was as good as they said ?
Seven months later, I finally found a way to finish my degree, with a mixture of self-schooling, some free internships and a small bill to a predatory private "online" school. Sadly, the last part is mandatory as you're legally obligated to justify some time at school to get the degree, even if it's ghost scam school. That's my last resort after having turned every stone. I'll try anyway. I applied for a grant, studied the curriculum and set up a plan for self-learning.
I'm still at the beginning of this new chapter, but gosh how good it feels to be moving again ! I'm learning again ! I absolutely love being able to study at my own pace. Everybody told me it was a bad idea, but so far I'm thrilled. I can reach out to professionals whenever I need some clarification or guidance. I set up a planning of regular reality checks to make sure I'm not getting things wrong because science does not allow inaccurate knowledge. Moreover, I feel secure getting out of my confort zone again. I am doing what everyone around me told me was impossible. To be honest, it's not an ideal situation as success rates for self learners are dangerously low (depending on the reference source, it varies between 15 to 30% of success for my degree, where traditional public schooling is more around 90-100%). Anyway, this is my only hope so I'd better give it a try. It feels wonderful to allow myself to try difficult stuff. I also find it amusing that I ended up taking the most sinuous road for a 2-year degree.
Why are you telling the world, Topo ?
Honestly I don't know. I don't know if anybody will read this anyway. I think I need to leave some sort of trace. As a disabled queer, former artist, living in the countryside, I think following any traditional route is harder, that's why I must embrace my absurdly sinuous journey. Some people I met have had similar lives, punctuated with adult learning and a couple U-turns. Most of my friends are juggling disability and queerness with multiple jobs, unpaid work and niche expertise. I must remember to thank them for being such an inspiration. These stories of nontraditional paths are what help me keep my head out of the waters when I was crippled with anxiety. Our lives are absurd and beautiful.
That's it for today's post. Please send me an email! for any stories or anecdotes. I'd love to hear your oddly sinuous journey <3
P. S. : English is not my mother-tongue. Please let me know if I made an error, I'll try to correct it.