We're making a baby | Part 7
I may be pregnant!
Big news! I had a first positive pregnancy test yesterday. I need to make another blood test tomorrow, to see if my hcg level doubled in 48 hours. If not, I may be having an ectopic, but I don't think so. My first hcg dosage is very good, I want to believe everything will go well and I'll have a baby in 9 month. A baby!
There is an unspoken rule where you don't tell anyone before the fourth month, because the risks of miscarriage is higher in the first trimester. I read it may be around 15%, especially before week 6 to 7. I'm at week 4. However, I chose to tell my closest friends that I'm in the early stages of pregnancy, because I don't want to be alone if a miscarriage occurs. Telling strangers in my blog is a step toward navigating the insecurity of the first weeks too. Expect light descriptions of things you may find too personal in the next posts. I don't care. Even though I removed any way to find my real name on this blog because I may care a little, after all. But I don't think there are a million trans pregnant men who talk non-stop about flies in France, but anyway. It's not like this blog is read by the whole country, my need to share is stronger than my embarrassment, I guess.
So, even if nothing feels real right now, here are my first impressions.
- I've found reading blogs and forum posts really helpful. When I took my urinary tests, the positif ray was so light I thought I was hallucinating. Then I bled a little, I thought I were in my periods and the positif pregnancy test was me being in denial. Then I read spotting naturally occurs in the first weeks of a pregnancy. I was scared and confused at this point! On the one hand, descriptions of normal spotting were not matching my reality, but on the other hand descriptions of dangerous bleeding weren't either. Scrolling on forums helped me understand what was normal and what wasn't. Women share their fears and sometimes pictures of bodily fluids. As gross as it may sound (it's not gross, btw), it's incredibly helpful, because official medical pamphlets only show pretty little drawings that do not match reality at all. Anyway, I took a really positive blood test, I'll know better tomorrow if everything is okay, but my bleeding stopped after 1 day and I think I'm ok.
- I've never felt better in my life! That was one clue that I may be pregnant, even before the tests. At this point of my cycle, I'm normally curled up in a ball and annoyed at everyone and everything. This month, I'm glowing! I'm feeling beautiful! Hormones, people...
- I struggle with smoking. I want to quit smoking during my pregnancy. I've told some people I do sometimes light a cig or two when I'm really on the edge, and I've learned the wildest thing. In France, 51% of smokers reduced their consumption but didn't quit during their pregnancy. Health professional even advise not to quit if it causes you too much stress, as it may do more harm than good. I thought smoking during pregnancy was culturally a big no-no?! I even learnt two of my friends kept smoking during their pregnancy. I met them multiple times then and never saw them with a cigarette in their hand. Did they hide? Do 51% of pregnant smokers hide because of social stigma? Anyway, I still plan on quitting during my pregnancy, but I feel less ashamed when I slip. I think we, as a society, failed miserably at addressing the reality of addictions during pregnancy. Forcing women to struggle and hide and feel ashamed for their addictions is absolutely wrong. I'm lucky my friends are well aware of harm reduction principles and will accompany me without shaming me if I fail at quitting totally.
That's enough for today's brain juice. Oh, btw, I love getting mail!