Topopa

Back to school as an adult, a sinuous path

warning: this is a rant to get shit out of my head

I talked about it before. At 28, I went back to school to learn a new job. It wasn't really a career switch because, huh, I never really had a career to begin with. About halfway through the program, I quit. After I resigned, I experienced a quick depression, I applied to unemployment and disability benefits, but it was shady. I applied to an online school to finish my degree, but they didn't answer. I became pregnant. Just before September, my online school finally accepter me, and I got a huge financial offer from the unemployment office to get me to school. Of course, I said yes because otherwise I would have had zero income, which is quiet unpleasant.

Here I am, then.

Tbh, as a rural poor queer disabled person (bingo!), I didn't expect all my projects to turn out fine. That's why I had multiple plans!

Yeah, great idea, really easy to do both. For my defense, I absolutely did not expect for both plans to become real in less than a year.

Well, now I'm beginning school and I have a bump and I have a baby in my baby-machine. I remembered that I needed to do a 7-weeks internship before April. Huh, what an easy thing to do when you're 4 months pregnant. Depending of the time period I'm offered, this internship would take place either when I'm 5-to-6 months pregnant, or when I'm 1-to-2 months postpartum. Adding difficulty to the difficulty, I pass as a queer man AND I'm formally a man, which is not a great starting point when you need to look for a job as a pregnant person. Oh, and the job I'm training for includes potentially harmful chemicals. And...the place I'm most likely to get an internship at is the lab I attend as a patient. A pregnant male patient. And it did not go well so far, in terms of respect.

Some jerks on reddit would definitely argue that I asked for it, but it's not really true. I was just in fight-or-flight mode, trying to get out of unemployment before my benefits run out and trying to get out of depression at the same time. Having a baby was the only intentional act of love in this shit and I'll be forever grateful it worked.

I know the only reasonable way to do this is to turn my second year into a two-year effort. I'll be able to do some weeks of internship before my belly shows up too much, get a real pregnancy break and finish next year. In total, I'll get my degree at 32. I'm kind of embarrassed that a 2-year degree will take me 4 years to complete, but it's the best option in the long run. I'd better plan out a comfortable pregnancy break because I have no idea how my body will react to the late stages of pregnancy, birthing and post-partum. I'm also at a greater risk of post-partum depression because of former complications. My husband a I have had this conversation a million times already, he agrees this is the best option and it is no big deal. I don't know why I'm on repeat with this issue. It didn't happen the way I planned it to. Yeah, another rant about anxiety, I guess.